One of my favorite short stories is “Bartleby the Scrivener” by Herman Melville. It’s about a man who comes to work as a scrivner in a law office. A scrivener was a human photocopier, of sorts, before the 20th century brought machines to do that.

Much like today’s photocopiers, Bartleby starts shutting down. As his employer bring him documents to copy, he refuses to work. “I’d rather not,” he politely tells him. The employer tries cajoling him, coaxing him, yelling at him and, eventually, fires him. Bartleby continues to appear at the office, though, and the employer can only rid himself of him by moving to a new location. The office’s new tenants have him put in jail, where he dies because he refuses to eat.

The motive for Bartleby’s refusal to work is hidden in the story, though it’s suggested that it’s because he worked at the dead letter office previously. He’s a cipher. He never tells them why he stops working.

I feel a bit like Bartleby these days. I have a nagging to-do list. Some days pass without me getting any part of it done. It’s like I’ve grown allergic to achievement.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My motivation is grinding to a halt. I try to share this with people and they always ask, “Well, what are you passionate about?”

I dread that question. The true answer now is nothing. I feel very calm these days, very peaceful and cheered most of the time. I just don’t feel pulled in any particular direction.

I keep hoping that something is going to fall into place spiritually for me. I had a talk with my minister, the Rev. Julie Forrest, and she told me about literacy. “Being literate,” she said, “from the point of view of our Western European culture is being able to read books. But, from other traditions, being literate is the ability to read things around you.”

So, I’m trying to read myself and my environment so that I can learn and grow in that direction. I thought at the start of writing this that I might find my answer in re-reading “Bartleby the Scrivner,” but I should probably try reading something other than a book.